So Valentine’s Day is coming up, and for those clueless lovers, we’ve given you a selection of guides catered to a range of interests. But what if you’re not one to drown in saccharine sweetness — like chocolate-dipped strawberries — which threaten to burn a hole in your wallet? Here’s an alternative, slightly bizarre, strictly tongue-in-cheek guide to impressing your Valentine’s date.
1. The Gift
Tradition dictates that flowers are a must-give for Valentine’s Day, but if your loved one would appreciate a…quirkier take on the requisite gifts, Big Funny Cards has got you covered. One of their latest offerings is a life-size Zombie card, which you can also customize online for that personal touch of creepiness.
Of course, bonus points for you if you can do-it-yourself instead!
2. The Restaurant
Candles, lulling music, the gentle clink of cutlery…these instantly conjure up the setting to a romantic dinner date. But what if you have no idea where your restaurant will be? Andsoforth is your ticket to a dramatic, mysterious night out.
Each of their feasts is located at a secret hideaway, and after booking online, diners will receive clues on their phone to guide them to the spot. Their current event, The Heist, promises explosive action and bank-robbing intrigue for you and your partner. What happens if you can’t find the hideout? I have no idea. In any case, if the aforementioned lulling music makes you dangerously sleepy, Andsoforth makes for a dramatic culinary experience.
3. Making Conversation
Rule Number One for the Valentine’s date — or any date, really — is complimenting your partner. Since the importance of coming up with a non-cliché compliment to show your sincerity cannot be underestimated, the Surrealism Compliment Generator can help you out. With gems like:
“Flies dance operas to your wisdom”
“So charmingly heathen, your skin is like a teardrop on a popsicle”
“Your intelligence is equal to the smoothness of a walnut shell”
Just refresh the page until you find the perfect line to charm (and befuddle) your date with your creativity.
4. Ending the Date
While there’re plenty of guides for the date itself, there’re almost none for parting on a good note. As you wind down your night with a glass of wine, try an award-winning bottle of MEDEA vodka to communicate any lingering thoughts. With patented LED technology, each bottle can be programmed to display the message of your choice (get it here, or here).
Each comes with preprogrammed messages such as ‘I Love You’, but if it’s too early in the relationship for this, you can think of these bottles as the middle ground between awkward text messaging and expressing your love out loud like a sane, human being. Besides, with the alcohol serving as a social lubricant, your bottle can now be the go-between for any drunken flirtation, apologies (I’m sorry for spilling that soup on your dress) and escape (Look, the bottle says it’s 1 am! Time to go.)
Bonus: The Perfect Date
What if you’ve gotten all the things above, but have no date?
Invisible Boyfriend and Invisible Girlfriend are pretty much self-explanatory. Like that invisible friend you made up as a bored child or those Build-A-Bear workshops, these websites allow you to construct the partner of your dreams. The comprehensive packages include text messages, handwritten notes, photos of your choice, and even a customizable story of how you met.
Price: $24.99/mth, and your grasp on the line between reality and fantasy
Jokes aside, Valentine’s Day is a day for you to remind the special people in your life that you care for them. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a thousand roses or a homemade zombie card — it’s a huge cliché, but sometimes it really is the thought that counts.