Yes, there is alcohol, a freaking lot of it.
If there is one thing men like, it is the Guy’s Night Out. This booze soaked night which ends up with epic hangovers and regrets are the only thing which keeps us men motivated to keep living.
Contrary to how it is portrayed in popular media, we usually do not end up being suffocated by too many women who find us irresistible and charming. Rather, it is usually a 4 o’clock cab ride home where we precariously walk the thin line between consciousness and sleep while doing our best to recognize our home through the cab window.
So what really happens on a Guy’s Night Out ?
A classic guy’s night starts out normal but starts deteriorating or improving whichever you see it, in stages. Let us examine the 6 Alcohol related stages which usually comprises of a Guy’s Night Out.
The 6 Stages of Being Drunk on a Guy’s Night Out
Stage 1: The Sober Thinker
This is the beginning of the night. As a veteran of hangovers, you have told yourself you will drink only clear liquids like vodka and white wine and steer clear of the killers like whiskey, rum, and jager bombs.
Discussion is mainly intellectual with your ‘guys’, probably about how economic disparity is worse than absolute poverty, or how religion and lottery may provide false hope to the lower and middle class people so that they keep on living.
Stage 2: Euphoria
After 3 drinks, something just happens inside you. The beats of the music playing suddenly resonate deep within you. If there is a live band playing “Let Her Go” by Passenger, you feel like weeping because the lyrics make so much sense and hit you so deep.
Then they start playing “Summer” by Calvin Harris and you forget that you never had hand-leg coordination but you start dancing. Your friends look at you in wonder and you shout things like “YOLO” to their bewildered face.
Stage 3: Confident Casanova
After 5 drinks, you start notice women around you, which will always be the case, unless you are drinking inside an all male prison. Your confidence which is usually like a shy asthmatic hamster has grown to become an extremely brave whiskey drinking lion.
Thanks to a combination of your own inflated self worth thanks to the JaegerBombs you’ve started drinking and enhanced perception of the ladies around you, you really think they actually want you. However, after being shooed away by them and a sit down with your friends who tell you that you need to face the reality that no one is going to like you thanks to your height and lack of future prospects, you sober down a bit.
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Stage 4: Man Love
You are around 6 drinks when you decide to let go of everything and start drinking shots of any kind -Jaeger, Kamikaze, Whiskey, Tequila- you name it, you drink it. You stopped making an effort to count how many drinks you have actually consumed, your testosterone hits an all time low. As your blood gets slowly gets replaced by alcohol, your female hormone, estrogen, takes over.
You are kind, weepy and start confessing your love for your guy friends, which you had held back thanks to the conventions of society. Making them even more uncomfortable, there is a lot of hugging involved and body-to-body contact.
Stage 5: Depression and Self Hate
It is like 3 am in the morning and while most may decide to call it a night, you fall into a state of extreme sadness. You start telling your friends about how your first girlfriend just dumped you and never called you back ever again, another starts sharing how his parents never respected him as their child. The third one chimes in that maybe doing the MBA may have been a horrible career decision for him. This is the point where you decide that drinking may not be a good idea anymore. You buy an isotonic drink to make sure you are hydrated enough, but the can drops from your hand when you try to open it. Time for you to go home.
Stage 6: Catharsis and Coma
You wake up next day with the hangover from hell and promise yourself that you will never drink again and spend time in healthy activities like yoga and running. Next week comes, the hangover will been forgotten, you go ahead and do it once again because after all, this is what we live for.
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