Over the weekend, the world was treated to a profound piece of dramatic tragedy on the Internet. A cheating scandal that far surpasses any drama on the triumvirate of television that is Channel V, Channel VIII, and Suria. This story has everything: a freshly married woman (6 weeks! But the first cut is the deepest they say), a remorseless scoundrel, and a young lass who — in the words of the highly esteemed Britney Spears — is not that innocent, a foodcourt, some food throwing, a grainy video, and social media, of course.
It is most ludicrous to pass this off as mere fodder for the tabloids. We choose to see this a lesson — a guide on how to act when such a catastrophe is to happen upon us. You may want the earth to open up and swallow you whole, or scorch fire upon the buttocks of the ones who have scorned us, or wish them a decade of halitosis, but keep calm and begin to take your lesson:
1. One Must Do Research First
You mustn’t look like a fool in front of all these people; you are an honourable lady (or gentleman) with dignity and pride, and your moral compass is always pointing in the right direction. Find the name, workplace, and educational institution of the third party. Once the information is acquired, put it in your satin-lined basket and carry on. A small victory, huzzah!
2. Stalk, stalk, stalk some more
People put so much on social media — is nothing sacred anymore? Well, there’s Tumblr for that. Or a locked WordPress account. But anyway, be thorough about your stalking sessions: what is her mother’s maiden name? What names did she bestow upon her feline companions? Her choice of establishment when it comes to dessert, teatime, and a paleo meal? Ars potens est — Knowledge is power.
3. Plan a confrontation, get a sidekick
It’s time to be mature and meet face-to-face for a little tête-à-tête. But you probably don’t have to tell them — just maybe pop by someplace they will be; you’ll find out where through your stalking. Best to go with trusty and mouthy friends who’ll do the swearing and shoving for you, because you are an honourable and reverent woman (or man).
4. “Avenge me!”
It is time to be an adult, it is time to face my demons (that means both of you cheating scumbags), it is time to carpe bloody diem for myself. You are the victim here, so you must let your voice be heard, loud and clear. Notes: Preferably in a public place, where someone can take a grainy video, albeit with good sound quality.
5. Put up a mega post on Instagram, Twitter
Now that you have fulfilled an IRL confrontation, it’s time to let the world know about all your cheating ways. I’m calling all y’all out. After all, your personal Facebook is your temple. I’ll probably blog about it somewhere else but as a good citizen, I must warn everyone about these two and also why I will be no-mood for the next 2 weeks. And remember, you are always the victim.
6. Talk to the hand
Let the matter simmer and boil over on social media. See the likes you rake in — validation! Sprinkle some comments here and there when you need to nudge it back to your side. You’re going through the shittiest time now, you will accept all the love that you deserve. Celebrate with a Llao Llao Sanum yoghurt.
7. Privatise/delete your social media accounts to add intrigue
Now that everyone knows about the tragic tale that is your marriage, and the names and parties involved, they’re gonna want to dig some more, these kaypoh people. Up the mystery by making it private or even delete it. You’ve done what you set out to do, now it’s time for people to talk. They can talk all they want but #onlygodcanjudgeme.
8. Ah, the comeback.
Wah, this guy still got the cheek to answer back. Don’t dignify the flamer with an answer because it might or might not contain some truth, but still: hey, this story is about me okay. How dare he butt in with his own version of the saga. #nobodyisperfect
9. Take on the role of the silent suffering woman
Because if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.
10. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Wisened with the harsh realities of love and life, tell everyone that you only blame yourself for the fallout of your 6-week marriage. Kindly request that you grieve on your own but pray as hell no one will remember you as the ‘cheating scandal lady’. Oh the stigma of being viral on social media. Maybe someday you will love again.
Video and screenshots taken from here.