Looking at the lighter side of things, our weekly comics post is here to entertain you. Sometimes we grumble about the kind of posts we hate on Facebook, while at other times we contemplate on how your first date is basically a job interview. Just last week, we teach you how to NOT work at work! Published every Thursday at 11 am when things at work become a little too much to handle, all we want is to entertain you and nothing below should be taken too seriously. Please email us at editors@vulcanpost.com if you want us to write about something you care about or makes you very angry or just to show your appreciation!
We always look for love in the wrong places.
I’ve never liked the concept of dating apps.
Not because they did not exist when I was single, lonely and was willing to hug anyone who looked at me. Not because they probably would not work even now in securing a date for me because my overwhelming self-hatred will somehow manage to seep into the app.
It is probably because I cannot believe that you can find your happily ever after (or happily 7 years of marital delusion) by an app where you choose your mate by swiping left or right based on something as superficial as a profile picture.
However, beaten by life and love and believing the impossible, if you have joined Tinder, I congratulate you for actually trying.
But be warned, Tinder might reveal much more than you want to reveal, apart from your real age of course.
And here is your typical Tinder Profile:
I did create a Tinder profile for “Research Purposes”. This is what I told myself and my significant other. She was not very happy.
However, after going through like 300 Tinder profiles, this is what they generally look like:
- Name taken from your Facebook Account. Could be fake if you used a Fake Account.
- Profile Picture where you look like nothing in real life. You are probably doing some pretentious activity like sun salutation on an exotic beach or downward facing dog near the Stone Hedge.
- Your age which is probably the greatest act of fiction since Charles Dickens wrote the “Tale of Two Cities”.
- My distance from you. You may think this is harmless but this is all that is needed to locate you.
- Your profile message which is basically as pretentious as your pictures trying desperately to convey that you are unique.
Having completed this profile, you wait there for a match with your Disney Prince, your knight in shining armor who will once again restore your belief in true love.
However, your profile has attracted Mr. Creep. Mr. Creep is a borderline evil genius who has way too much free time and loves to exploit loopholes and weaknesses in systems. He also understands Science and Technology and with a little bit of thinking and geometry he can figure out where you live and where you work.
Mr Creep, although lacking friends, has studied human behaviour from a distance in a futile attempt to get girls to like him. Your distance information is all he needs. Applying common sense, he realises that you are bound to be at home on a Monday night and a Tuesday night around midnight. Now even though you’re not active, Tinder will still display your distance information.
Mr. Creep knows that GPS satellites and most cell phone towers pin point your location by a method called triangulation. Before your childhood nightmare of geometry sends shudders through your body, have a little patience and bear with me.
What Mr. Creep does is that he goes to two different locations, the further the better and notes does his location and your distance at midnight. Now if he draws two circles with their radius equal to your distance and the center is to be his data-taking position, he gets something like above with two intersecting points A and B.
Mr.Creep knows that you must be located in either Point A or B. If either Point A or B lies in a non-habitable area, it can be eliminated and he has your location.
However, if both have an equal chance of being a residential location, all Mr. Creep has to do is to take a new data point and there you are at the intersection of the three circles. He can streamline the process by taking his three data points from a long distance bus ride to make it even more accurate and convenient.
Maybe the right way to go about this is to trace down the guy you rejected in secondary school because he liked comics and video games too much but is probably a successful technopreneur now and give him a call. I am sure from personal experience, he will be more than happy.
