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You know those moments when you look up at the ceiling frustrated, wondering what you did wrong that made your significant other snap at you and eventually made you confess to your ‘sins’ in spite of your innocence ?
Well that has to stop.
I am not talking controlling girls and oppressing them to a level that they eventually stab you, but instead looking for some alternative. Yes, an artificial girlfriend, or a blow up doll to be exact.
Get your mind out of the gutter! I am not even going to talk about any carnal activities in this post as we are very PG-13 here. However, if you think hard enough, you may immediately recognize that sometimes a blow up doll might be better than your regular girlfriend.
#1 A real girlfriend is a really high maintenance affair
A real girlfriend, especially a pretty one, is like an expensive car – pricey to get and even more difficult to maintain. While men like us have not evolved much from the caveman state and pretty much use the same soap for every body part, women need a different soap for their feet, their face and their body.
On the other hand, all you need to do with a BUD (blow up doll) is a regular air refill and a wipe down with a wet cloth.
#2 Real girlfriends are always asking if they look fat
You know when your girlfriend asks you the rhetorical question if she is looking fat and you as a peace loving human being feign a serious illness to avoid the question? Truth, although encouraged by the female kind, has no place in a happy relationship. There is no truthful answer to a “Do I look fat?” question except in the case of a bulimia-suffering girlfriend just on the way to rehab.
On the other hand, if the BUD looks a little chubby, all we need to do is release a little bit of air.
#3 A Blow Up Doll will watch whichever TV Show you choose
A BUD really understands, and she always agrees with you with her silence. While your regular girlfriend might find “The Living Dead” too scary and “House of Cards” too slow, BUD will sit with you through your “Breaking Bad” marathon without making a noise. She doesn’t care if you don’t take her out on a Saturday, and would gladly spend the whole day in a dark room to watch a Star Wars Marathon with you. That’s the kind of girl we like.
#4 There will be no more of the fights where you have no idea what you did wrong
Most relationships are basically time spent between fights where you as the male have no idea what you did wrong. Not only does your significant other send you on guilt trips with bouts of silence, she expects you to figure out what you did without even mentioning anything. Your significant other usually thinks it is a character building exercise where you figure out your mistake and vow never to do it again. Unfortunately, it is lost on us and we just confess to sins we did not commit to end the war and let the norm return.
#5 End of those weekend soul scorching trips to the mall
When you are in a relationship, most of your weekends are spent at the mall where your girlfriend roams around to the soundtrack of U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I Am Looking For”. While blisters develop on your existing blisters and your brain grows comatose, your significant other will drag you like a dead carcass across the mall looking for that perfect pair of shoes. Does BUD even wear shoes?
#6 No more hanging out with your girlfriend’s friends
Occasionally, you will be dragged to a party where your significant other and her friends will have the greatest time ever, while you and the other boyfriends sit around like neutered animals trying to find something common to talk about. Your girlfriend will pop by and say stuff like “He also likes Big Bang Theory” which is not useful because most of the population likes it and it’s not much of a common point.
BUD has no friends, so that’s not a problem.
#7 The Blow Up Doll Lives in the Present
Girls may forget what they studied in high school completely, but will remember every mistake you make in IMAX quality from the beginning of the relationship. When fights occur, all the mistakes come out categorically from the well organized database in her head, and all your response can only be is to run away from it with your tail between your legs.
On the other hand, BUD, having zero memory at all, enjoys the present like the old turtle from Kung Fu Panda advised, and is more forgiving in nature.
So ladies, cut us some slack, or Skynet and its robots might just replace you. Give a man a Saturday off for a movie marathon, do not torture him at the mall, and sometimes forget his past mistakes. He might unwillingly fall in love with a synthetic alternative instead.