We are probably at the lowest point of human civilization.
A single website called Facebook is affecting our daily emotions. Our brightest days are ruined when someone forgets to like our holiday photos while our darkest days are brightened when someone attractive adds us on their friends list.
Being extremely human, I too am affected by my popularity on Facebook. Yet, like a drug, I have not been able to go cold turkey. But I have realized that no matter what you try, your popularity on Facebook is limited by who you are.
When I say who you are, I not only mean your physical appearance but also how you are able to bypass reason, intelligence and possibly shame to post trivial stuff on the site.
So what makes something popular on Facebook ?
I may be a hypocrite in saying I do not like being popular on Facebook.
With utter sadness I have to admit I do not possess most of the qualities required for getting an enormously unreasonable number of ‘likes’ for every post of mine.
What if we turn it around and try to be Un-Popular on Facebook ?
Now that I can do really well. After a few decades of being extremely unpopular in real life, I have managed to narrow down things you have to do to be unnoticed on social media.
How hard could that be ?
Pretty easy if you do what I instruct you to.
Keeping this in mind, I thought of all the possible ways to be not be noticed on Facebook, not get a single ‘like’ and basically make your self esteem suffer so badly that you’ll withdraw from society forever from the rejection.
# Do not be a Pretty Girl who photographs well
This is pretty much a slam dunk for an attractive girl between the ages of 12 all the way to 45 perhaps. Selfies with duck faces get votes irrespective of any other factors like if there is a war going on outside or is accompanied with a status message like “My Saturday Morning Face”.
However on the other hand , if you are like me, a mediocre looking man in his late 20s who has not accomplished anything which stands out in a photograph like my own yacht or lighting a cigar with a 100 dollar note, we will be ignored. We better spend our time in underground internet forums discussing if JJ Abrams will do true justice to the new Star Wars movie where no one will ever see us.
# Do not like other posts and comment as an “Investment”
Another way to be completely forgotten is to never like other people silly and mundane posts. Yes, to be liked you have to ‘like’ others’ posts no matter how much it hurts to click on other people’s cringe-worthy status updates like those annoying couples who have to declare their love for each other every few seconds.
# Do not find cute children to take pictures with.
I know this is happening and a lot of people will not even admit to it. People are using children, especially cute ones, to get ‘likes’. However, if you are like me and do not get why people go all gaga over random kids they meet on elevators and start snapping fingers at them, this will really not work out for you. After all, selfies with kids are a ‘Like’ magnet where everyone will ask you stupid questions like if the kid is yours in spite of the the fact that he or she does not appear in any of your other photos.
# Post a mundane pic and do not add a pseudo-wise quotation
This makes my blood boil. Everyday, it seems that my Facebook gets inhabited by pseudo intellectual quotes from dead 18th century poets. Yes, go ahead take the picture of the rain and label it as “Saturday Rain” but adding a quote from Wordsworth or Tennyson about rain does not make that random picture with no composition or color balance any better.
# Correct people on Facebook
This will guarantee that you will exit the friends list of a few people as soon as you do it and the impact will reach your real life as well.
To be honest, some of the posts that people share on Facebook need additional fact-checking. However, if you spot the mistake and mention it to them, there you go, excommunicated from the social web like some plague ridden hunchback in the medieval ages.
# Do not check yourself at the airport for every freaking trip you take
Ahh, the “Feeling so and so at XXXX Airport”. We know you can afford a holiday where you and your significant others fly away with pseudo affection for each other but you do not have to announce it to everyone. We will silently wait for the suffering which comes with the “Couples-so-in-love” photos which arrive a few days later.
# Remove the artistic profile picture where you are deliberately looking off-camera
I can criticize all I want but I am a victim of vanity when it comes to this one. Yes I have that vain off-the-camera look for my profile picture and I have even pushed it a step further by making it black and white. However, if you do not want to be liked, take a grainy shot where you are looking into the camera like a creep or even better put a celebrity’s pic on your profile to make everyone realise that you are too unattractive to even put up your own photograph on Facebook.
I know that no one wants to be unpopular. But with the amount of stupidity flying around, why not be as unpopular as possible as a sign of protest and indifference. Alternatively, you can stop torturing yourself by deactivating your Facebook or pray really hard that they come out with a Anonymous Dislike button.