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On a certain Saturday morning, I decided to take a look at myself in my bathroom mirror.
In case if you are wondering why this is such a significant event, let me confess something: I have been avoiding mirrors and probably anything shiny because my reflection causes massive pangs of guilt.
What I was staring at was a lumpy 30-year-old with a body abused by nights of staying up, incredibly bad eating habits and the devil’s nectar, alcohol. After pressing all the fat around my obscene mid-section, like any of those annoying health magazines, I decide to embark on a journey of health. Mind you, I was no Adonis before but this was the first time my clothes struggled to hide my shameful body.
Cavemen Do Not Like Muscles
Evolution-wise, or as I choose to believe, we are supposed to store fat in our midsection. Muscles are metabolically expensive, that is they they need more calories to maintain. When cavemen ate a large meal, it was immediately converted into fat to be used later when food became scarce.
Fast forward to current times, our body pretty much remains the same physiologically yet our lives have changed. We are bombarded by images of men with abs so well defined that you can use it to grate cheese into the pizza that they will never get to eat. In this world of washboard abs, any man with jelly in his belly is left behind by women to die eating chips while lying half-dead on a sofa watching Game of Thrones.
Being fit and living with a six-pack is not a natural state. It is as unnatural as teaching a panda with rheumatoid arthritis to play Fur Elise on a tiny piano.
Being Healthy Will Make You Look Great
Yes, if I was a 24-year-old reasonably tall girl who has to have glowing skin and get ready for bikini season. Instead, I am a 30-year-old man with a body which once exposed on the beach, causes the lifeguard to come over and ask me to cover it up.
All I do is make non-scientific claims like this article to justify my laziness and lack of empathy, why should I even aspire for a six-pack?
Don’t You Want To Live Longer ?
The common argument given by my more “health-conscious” friends which I choose to ignore over the sound of sunset golden whiskey splashing on clear transparent cubes of ice.
No, I do not want to live longer. I do not want to live forever knowing that I probably have to work till the age of 80 to sustain any semblance of a decent lifestyle. I do not want to live to see my teenage daughter asking me to buy her birth control at the age of 14 and then saying that my upbringing forced her psychologically to have sexual intercourse with a guitar player.
Then I do not want to pay her insanely expensive college fees to get a non-employable degree like Film History so that she can later crib about it on her emo blog. This goes on till she probably meets the biggest douchebag of her life, who takes her to a pretentious place like the Bavarian Salt Mines to propose to her and I have to pay for their wedding which would only last for like 3 years.
Salad, You Must Eat Salad
Have you guys tried a salad ? If you are nodding your head lying the same way you pretend to like jazz and live music at overrated pubs, I hate you for your hypocrisy and lack of individualism.
Salad is a food that my food needs to eat. Why do you want to deprive a poor cow of its food and then blame it on global warming?
Salads are all watery, crunchy and absolutely disgusting. They are probably as unfulfilling as having sex through a bedsheet with a very conservative and shy blow up doll.
Yet, people are like, “Here have a salad, you will have glowing skin.” I am sorry, deluded people sustaining themselves on a handful of chlorophyll cells at a time, I just cannot do it.
Carbohydrates Are Everywhere
If anything has actually taken over our planet, it is carbohydrates. Take a walk through a shopping mall, you will be bombarded with muffins, cookies, breads, and everything determined to go into your gut and expand it like a zeppelin.
The food companies on the other hand have managed to scam us into buying the crap they used to usually throw out before the 1980’s. They call it whole foods. The only reason we did not eat wholemeal bread was because it used to, and still do, taste like crap and they contain the same number of carbohydrates anyway. Wholemeal bread should be buried underground or used to kill a rat infestation.
Everything Delicious Is Bad For You
The same people who eat red velvet cupcakes now decide to mess with your lives by calling everything you love as bad.
They started by calling eggs bad, then came meat and then decided to say even milk is bad. Have you tasted milk? It tastes freaking amazing with those pieces of candy, which cereal companies call oatmeal and its derivatives.
Now they want us to have soybean for protein and soybean milk in our coffee. People should know that soybean increases estrogen levels in our body which is a female hormone and is probably fed to gender reassignment patients in Thailand before the actual surgery. I believe that the whole soybean agenda is a conspiracy by bra-burning radical feminists to emasculate the last of the manly men, the ones who still do not use moisturizers.
Gyms And Personal Trainers
I decided to go to a gym. I decided to get on one of those hamster wheels which go nowhere. I huffed and puffed but looked down to realize I have burnt a small peanut’s equivalent of calories.
Personal training is the biggest scam ever created. Not only do you pay for your gym membership, you pay for an absolutely low IQ gorilla to be condescending to you and make you do things they will never do while they check their handphone. Watching those poor lumpy people sweat for an hour a week while the douchebag stands around being all high and mighty in spite of not graduating secondary school makes my blood boil.
Yoga, It Is Good For You
Real men do yoga, they hunt wild animals, skin it and then have time to do sun salutations. Sounds like a load of crap to me.
Every girl with inappropriately tight workout pants and a yoga mat wants you to do yoga and I salute them for their dedication.
However personally, I believe yoga was created in India just to humiliate and punish people. Why would anyone in their right mind stand on a single leg voluntarily or balance themselves on their hands or expose their rear to the rest of the world in a pose called “Downward Facing Dog”?
I tried meditation once. If your mind is supposed to be a calm lake during meditation, mine was a molecule of water in a mixer at high speed. Afraid of things it would reveal, like I am a closet ABBA fan or equivalent, I left the yoga studio shaken.
So What Is A Man To Do?
I guess to avoid dying within the next five years I have to change some of my habits. I cannot eat delicious fried food at midnight and use alcohol to get over the guilt. I should appreciate who I am and enjoy things that make me happy like a porterhouse steak. I should try to lift some weights just in case I struggle with my luggage while travelling. I should try to join one of those marathon runs where people try to run away from their problems along with 40,000 other people way too early in the morning. Finally, I should stop being cynical and accept things with an open mind, things like avocado and veganism.