I loved the first Transformers Movie.
Judge me all you want, but the combination of Megan Fox, hot cars, and giant alien robots were all of my childhood fantasies mushed together.
Then it started to get mundane and repetitive. The second movie could barely keep up with the novelty of the first and the third was just hardly bearable. In spite of the new girl with her lack of expressions and Shia Labeouf’s continued neuroticisms, I stayed till the end because of the simple fact that I paid for the movie ticket.
Sadly, with the fourth movie, I could not control myself anymore.
Even before I get into what was so unbearable, let me start by saying something about the movie plot without giving too much away, as if that would make any difference.r
So what is this movie about?
3 years after the Battle of Chicago (‘Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon’), Autobots, the good guys, are being hunted down for their technology by a CIA Black Ops squad and a very impressive alien Robot called Lockdown.
With the Autobots in hiding, Optimus Prime ends up in the hands of a Texas “Inventor” Cade Jaeger, played by Mark Wahlberg, who lives with his teenage daughter who struts about with the tiniest shorts in the world. When the CIA unit comes for Optimus Prime and turns their world upside down, a series of increasingly non-coherent events happen which guarantee a lot of car chases, explosives, and robot-on-robot action for close to 3 hours of the movie.
Well, what can go wrong in a movie with Mark Wahlberg, a cool looking Robot Bounty hunter, and the trailers which promised Dinobots ?
Everything. Putting my disappointment and possibly a bit of rage aside, I have tried to distill my negative feelings into 4 main points which made me walk out of the movie at the 2 hour mark.
1. Mark Wahlberg as an Inventor
Perhaps wearing glasses occasionally and loudly claiming that you are an inventor might work for some.
It did not work for Mark Wahlberg. An actor who does not resemble anyone remotely intelligent, Mark Wahlberg is a Texas-based self proclaimed inventor who spends more time trying to convince other people of his talent rather than work on his inventions.
Even in this time of Arduino Micro-controllers and Raspberry Pis, Walberg’s inventions seem to be surrounded by mediocre robots out of the 80s whose jobs are to paint windows or deliver beer, unsuccessfully.
Also for a guy who does forget his dinner occasionally, he looks extremely buff and not like a skin over bones as what inventors usually look like.
2. Oh that Daughter of His !
The fact that most people liked the first two Transformer movies was mostly because of Megan Fox. Well, her being near car engines. The third movie had the pretty British actress, and despite her emotionless face, it still made you wonder how does a guy like Shia Lebouf land such amazing ladies.
This movie is a let down with a personality-less annoying girl whose only purpose in life is to disregard her dad and wear the tiniest shrinking shorts. This would be still all right except for the fact that she is 17 years old and officially a minor. But that does not stop her super creepy 20-year-old boyfriend who cites an obscure ‘Romeo and Juliet’ Texas law which allows him to- you know.
3. Self-Righteous Optimus Prime
In the first few movies, Optimus Prime was an admirable robot with strong morals and has a liking for human beings. He did have a side habit of breaking into speeches like a robot Morgan Freeman but in the previous movies at least they made sense.
When Optimus started his speech in this movie, I threw down my popcorn in disgust. Remember that self-righteous prefect from your high school who had the habit of breaking into speeches to inspire you but ended up sounding extremely condescending? Optimus Prime seemed to be voiced by him. Unfortunately, while you could fantasize about choking the prefect after school, all you can do is endure him in this movie. It could be the reason why all the other Autobots abandoned him in all major fights in the four movies.
4. Complete Lack of a Sensible Plot
Try to stay with me while I try to explain the motivation behind the villains in the movie.
Lockdown, the cool-looking bounty hunter, wants Optimus Prime for the Creators who apparently created them. However, irrespective of the fact that he looks amazingly cool and his face can transform into a long range cannon, he needs the help of humans to track Optimus Prime down.
Now a guy called Attinger is in charge of the CIA Black Ops Squad which is helping Lockdown with the Autobot hunt. However, Attinger wants to hand over Optimus Prime in return for something -for the lack of imagination from the scriptwriters- called the ‘Seed’. The ‘Seed’ turns anything around it into a metal called ‘Transformium’ and before you are willing to shoot yourself for the sheer lack of ingenuity for names, Attinger has no use for this material.
However, Attinger wants to sell it to a guy called Joshua Joyce (well potrayed as a parody of Steves Jobs by Stanley Tucci) from a company called KSI which actually wants to use this material to build more Transformers for the general public. And in return for the Transformium, he will give Attinger some money.
If you are completely lost like the time I listened to my 4-year-old niece explaining her visit to the zoo, I do not blame you. They have taken a horrible plot, put a lot of explosives and slow motion shots in between, removed logic, science, and sense, and managed to make it a massive box office grosser.
Also the Dinobots appeared only towards the end of the movie and do no justice to all the excitement they created when they first appeared in the trailers.
People are still watching it and this is why movies like this are made. The only other person in the cinema who probably realised that this movie is absolutely senseless other than me was a 3-year-old who occasionally started crying out loud in the dark hall.