Most apps are like people – friendly, exciting, easy to understand, and generally helpful. However, some apps are just awkward, creepy, and downright weird.
Thought your last date was catastrophic? Well with the ‘help’ of these apps, it could be SO much worse. They’re so enthusiastically helpful, it’s catastrophic. Much like letting your mom set you up on a blind date, the results are disastrous and hilarious when apps attempt to help us out.
Here are some of the weirdest, most outrageous, and rather morally ambiguous apps out there. Download at your own risk. We’re not judging. Not judging. Not judging at all.
1. Carrot Dating
This one is just gold. It’s description reads: Carrot Dating is the world’s first mobile app where singles can use bribery to get first dates.
“It’s a concept so simple that even animals understand — give a dog a bone, and it will obey. Give a woman a present, and she’ll … .”
So women are like dogs, apparently. This app is a total genius for how it masterfully disguises desperation and bribery with a face of romance in a way that puts Korea’s plastic surgeons to shame. Not to mention throwing the self-respect of both parties to the wind – but who cares when there’s money and sex, right? Right?
In a nutshell, men with “sweet personalities” and “nerdy smiles” can finally even the playing field through dangling a “present” to encourage hot women to date him. This generosity helps men open the door to romance, if you know what I mean.
After all, as some men complain, personality never gets anyone laid. We’re not sure if these are the same men with “sweet personalities”, but if you’re curious to find out, download this app.
2. Flirt Planet
Remember when you were a kid, and your parents/school tried to teach you about sex? Yeah. Awkkkkkkward. This app was built to teach socially awkward men how to talk to girls, through an online avatar and virtual chatroom with fake female computer programs. So, you work your way through.
While well-intended, I really don’t think this will work. Mostly because seducing computer AIs who look like cartoon girls don’t help you get laid. Unless you’re turned on by sexy software like Cortana, of course. In that case, as you were, master chief.
3. Cloud Girlfriend
Cloud Girlfriend functions as a virtual dating world where users can anonymously role play romantic scenarios of their choice. If blind dates with complete strangers aren’t awkward enough, try bringing them online. Now you can be awkward in two realities!
Nevertheless, this is an improvement though. Coming from the program which was originally for lonely men to design virtual girlfriends to leave adoring messages on their Facebook walls, I guess this is an improvement. Even though that’s like, not at all the equivalent of a self high-five, I can respect that you love yourself.
“Hey lady, I was blinded by your beauty, so I’m gonna need your name and number for insurance reasons.”
Wow. I think I just turned lactose intolerant, because that was the cheesiest thing by far that I’ve ever heard. Girls love guys who are funny, but this is just, too much.
This app cuts a super fine line between funny and awkward that’s thinner than your slim chances at actually succeeding. But go ahead anyway, if your girl has a great sense of humour, who knows? You know you’ve found a winner when she laughs, and you guys could actually hit it off pretty good.
Call us if you actually succeed, seriously. Otherwise, save this for just sharing with your friends.
5. On the Rebound
If you’ve stalked someone who’s attached, this app makes it even more convenient to continue your morally-dubious tendencies. It alerts you the second a Facebook friend becomes single, so you can pounce on them before anyone does. Carpe diem the crap out that!
Unfortunately, the app also notifies you of other single folk whom you never want to sleep with, such as exes, any teachers you have on Facebook, or even, family members. Quite the boner killer. Also, you’re basically throwing yourself in front of the rebound-van and that never ends well. You might need this app yourself after that.
6. Zhantai (“Platform” in Mandarin)
Specially designed for the crowded MRT trains we know too well, this chinese subway dating app leverages the crowds and um, crowdedness, to bring people… even closer together.
This app works through recording the exact times a user has arrived at various locations daily as well as the train station closest to where they live, in order to find other lovelorn commuters. As if people don’t enjoy the physical invasion of space on their morning commute to work, now you can feel stalked by a creepy app. But at least, you can stop waiting for Fate or yuanfen to cross your paths!
Boxers seldom do much, while women have lacy, push-up, body-hugging lingerie that works absolute magic for them. Often, men have a hard time (pun not intended) trying to make their dick look more attractive.
This app solves that problem for you. Dickorate lets you photograph your man-bits, dress it up with stickers like hats, moustaches, sunglasses, and pretty much everything. This is definitely the best way to make a girl remember your penis. Much cool, so wow!
This article is contributed by Valerie Lim from Love Out Loud. LOLA is a hassle-free & private dating app for the Asian community. One match @ Noon, daily. 100% genuine profiles. Available on both iPhone & Android.